The Illusion of Safety
I’ve heard it said that one of people’s greatest fears is public speaking. I can’t relate to this. Sure, I have fears. But getting up in front of people is not one of them. Perhaps I am more afraid that people will ignore me or think me insignificant.
I remember Sunday evenings at church with my friend Sheldon. First Baptist of Cupertino was just a mile from my house, and we were there every time the doors were opened. Sheldon’s Dad was our Music Minister, so he was pretty much there all the time too. It was a small enough church on Sunday morning, but when we came back that night it was just me and Sheldon in our age group, and the teacher’s daughter.
There was some confusion here that deserves comment. You see it wasn’t really the teacher’s daughter but a little red-haired girl she brought from her neighborhood. This might not seem like a big mistake on my part, but it did cause me a significant degree of “cognitive dissonance.” I didn’t think the red-haired girl was very cute. But I was nice to her anyway because I believed she would grow up to be pretty, like her mother, or like the woman I thought was her mother. But that really doesn’t come much into my story.
They say you can tell how much the congregation likes the pastor by the attendance on Sunday morning. And that you can tell how much they like each other by the attendance on Sunday evening. But if you want to know how God rates with these people, come back for the Wednesday night prayer meeting!
So one Sunday evening we decided to “play church.” Sheldon would lead the singing because that’s what his Dad did. I would be the preacher and the little red-haired girl would be our congregation. The teacher typed up bulletins with our names in it and told what number to turn in your hymnal and where to find the passage in the Bible I would be preaching on.
I don’t know what made me think I could preach. I just never doubted that I could. “Wherever two or three were gathered . . .” I just opened my mouth to speak to them and the words came out all right. When I was four I “went forward” in big church and asked Jesus to forgive my sins. When I was five I went forward again; this time to announce to the congregation that God had called me to preach!
I don’t remember what I preached on but I know I enjoyed it. I usually like to talk when anyone will listen. Somehow when I’m talking and they’re listening I feel like I am in control of what people think of me.
Brennan Manning calls him “The Imposter.” He’s the person that you want other people to think you are. When you’re alone with God you know it isn’t the real you, but as long as you can fool others the imposter helps you feel safe about the secret of your true identity. What is this secret and why do we guard it so carefully?
My secret is that who I am is inadequate. I am not as intelligent or charming or competent as I want to be. And if you knew the truth you would reject me.
John Powell in his book, Why am I Afraid to Tell you who I am? explains.
If I present a certain image of myself by wearing a mask, you may reject me, but I can go away and say, “That wasn’t the real me anyway.” But if I show you who I really am, and you reject my honest self-revelation, what do I have left?
Of course the disadvantage of always wearing a mask is that the approval we feel from people who like us “falls only upon the outer man.” It’s a “Catch-22, “ a no-win situation. Only by risking it all in transparency and truth can I hope to experience genuine affirmation of my real self.
But I have found an alternative: a compromise which serves me fairly well. I have the illusion of safety when I can control how I am perceived by a few people who really matter to me. This may be slightly co-dependent and at times manipulative, but it works well for me.
There is an unwritten agreement with my wife, my family, and my close friends that they will tell me only what I want to hear when I am “being myself” with them. If they reflect back to me some flaws or characteristics I find to be disagreeable about myself I reserve the right to “explain myself” or make excuses. This is called “re-framing.”
Now what I’ve discovered about spending time alone with God is that He is not very tolerant of such “back-talk.” (My family & friends aren’t always so cooperative either, but mostly they have just learned to put up with me.) The really frightening thing about being with God is that you can’t wear your mask and you can’t really impress Him and when He speaks to your soul about yourself and who you really are you better listen!
Furthermore, I’ve discovered that He wants me to listen to my wife and my family and my friends especially when they share an observation that doesn’t really fit my picture of myself. I believe God wants me to give up my attempts to manage how I’m being perceived by others so I can begin to learn more about the actual effect I’m having on those around me.
At times this will be disturbing. I have learned that I can be thoughtless, careless, annoying, inconsistent and unloving. But the potential is also there for good. Not because of anything I’ve done but because the life of Christ is in me. As I discover the positive impact of my life when I am not concerned about managing my image I can be greatly encouraged. My words and behavior when I thought that only God was watching have given help and hope to those around me. This helps me with hope also.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
"Time" passages
The carpet is dirty from being walked through to get to the garage. I’m not sure why anyone besides me goes to the garage, but I know all this dirt isn’t just from me.
I have two little friends who visit me “down here” sometimes. One is less than three feet tall! The other is over forty inches and growing. They come down for a drink of water or to see if I have any chocolate. I really need to get some more chocolate. I’ve been out for quite some time now.
I come here to read or to write. There are lots of books so that makes a great environment for reflection and composition. I guess you could say it has ambiance. I’ve never counted my books but I’d say there are about a thousand. People always ask me if I’ve read them all. I wish! Like I have time!
Time – what a concept. It seems to change depending on where you are. If I am in bed and trying to sleep at two in the morning, time moves very slowly. The digital clock is not very helpful. It tells me when it’s 2:12. Then I close my eyes and try to sleep for what seems like an hour. When I open my eyes it’s 2:16!
All this is very hypothetical because in all actuality, I’m a pretty good sleeper. But it might happen to my wife. Apparently she sees quite a bit of that digital clock in the wee hours of the morning. But I can neither confirm nor deny her story, ‘cuz I’m like snorin’ away.
Then there’s “time” in the morning when my little friends wake up at six or six thirty. I tell them I really need to sleep till seven and can they please keep it down and maybe play quietly or something? So then the littlest one, who is not quite three feet tall, asks if he can have a drink or something to eat or can he go downstairs and get a gun or a sword. So I tell him, “Just ten minutes and I’ll get up and help you.” Then about 30 seconds later while I’m trying to doze back off he returns and I see that more than ten minutes has gone by.
But “down here” in the office, with the dirty carpet and all the books and the ambiance conducive to reflection and composition, “Time” proceeds as it should. There must be mechanisms governing the passage of time in different locations and situations; like the intricate workings of a grandfather clock with gears and springs and weights perfectly counterbalanced to hold back forces from moving things along too quickly. Here in my office each second gives me exactly enough time to say “one thousand one.”
Just what is the mechanism causing the sweep second hand “down here” to proceed at such a stately pace, like the father-of-the-bride escorting his daughter to the altar? It just might be that part of the ballast holding back the rush of time in this place is the many journals and planners and notebooks I have filled and saved over the past twenty years or more. I have written and saved plans and notes and lessons and sermons and memories of my life with the expectation that someday there will be “time” to go back over them.
And the books “down here” also offer weight and balance to the ever-forward driving force of life rushing on. From Homer to Plato to Paul to Present the records of other lives lived in other “times” sit on my shelves and hold back the encroaching future from coming too fast, from arriving too soon. Here there is time, and there will be time, to read, reflect, re-create. I am hopeful and expectant that for me there awaits further study and exploration.
So I come here, and I go back, all in good time. Dinnertime and bedtime, followed by breakfast, lunch and naptime. Summertime and Fall followed by Winter and Springtime. The ambiance will be here. The second hand will not rush. The books can wait but my little friends are impatient. Soon the articulate and authoritative little voice will be coming from more than three feet off the ground. His bold companion and mentor will lead him off, gun and sword in hand, to explore exotic lands and conquer far-off kingdoms. They may want me to go along. I hope they do.
No, the dirty carpet is not just from me. But I don’t mind it. It’s part of the ambiance. I’ll vacuum it another day. Right now I’ve got just enough “time” to consider a page from my past, a note to myself, which reminds me that this is not the first time I’ve pondered this predicament.
“I have arrived. Here with my books & my papers and my pictures there are things to be put in order. LAST of all I put my thoughts in order. What a relief! Here I appreciate the Life which, in my house, among my loved ones, I can only LIVE.
“ . . .But when I say . . . ‘only’ Live, I share Socrates’ view that the unexamined life is not worth living. And somewhere CSL has observed that one cannot simultaneously ENJOY & CONTEMPLATE. So I leave, I retire, I rest. I think, I read, I pray, I write – And upon my return discover . . .? WHAT? That time is precious, Life is a gift.
“Of Course Living is more important than writing and Life more important than Literature. But without books we are impoverished and our living is shallow when no time is given to thought & contemplation.” (Journal entry Aug. 11, 2003)
I have two little friends who visit me “down here” sometimes. One is less than three feet tall! The other is over forty inches and growing. They come down for a drink of water or to see if I have any chocolate. I really need to get some more chocolate. I’ve been out for quite some time now.
I come here to read or to write. There are lots of books so that makes a great environment for reflection and composition. I guess you could say it has ambiance. I’ve never counted my books but I’d say there are about a thousand. People always ask me if I’ve read them all. I wish! Like I have time!
Time – what a concept. It seems to change depending on where you are. If I am in bed and trying to sleep at two in the morning, time moves very slowly. The digital clock is not very helpful. It tells me when it’s 2:12. Then I close my eyes and try to sleep for what seems like an hour. When I open my eyes it’s 2:16!
All this is very hypothetical because in all actuality, I’m a pretty good sleeper. But it might happen to my wife. Apparently she sees quite a bit of that digital clock in the wee hours of the morning. But I can neither confirm nor deny her story, ‘cuz I’m like snorin’ away.
Then there’s “time” in the morning when my little friends wake up at six or six thirty. I tell them I really need to sleep till seven and can they please keep it down and maybe play quietly or something? So then the littlest one, who is not quite three feet tall, asks if he can have a drink or something to eat or can he go downstairs and get a gun or a sword. So I tell him, “Just ten minutes and I’ll get up and help you.” Then about 30 seconds later while I’m trying to doze back off he returns and I see that more than ten minutes has gone by.
But “down here” in the office, with the dirty carpet and all the books and the ambiance conducive to reflection and composition, “Time” proceeds as it should. There must be mechanisms governing the passage of time in different locations and situations; like the intricate workings of a grandfather clock with gears and springs and weights perfectly counterbalanced to hold back forces from moving things along too quickly. Here in my office each second gives me exactly enough time to say “one thousand one.”
Just what is the mechanism causing the sweep second hand “down here” to proceed at such a stately pace, like the father-of-the-bride escorting his daughter to the altar? It just might be that part of the ballast holding back the rush of time in this place is the many journals and planners and notebooks I have filled and saved over the past twenty years or more. I have written and saved plans and notes and lessons and sermons and memories of my life with the expectation that someday there will be “time” to go back over them.
And the books “down here” also offer weight and balance to the ever-forward driving force of life rushing on. From Homer to Plato to Paul to Present the records of other lives lived in other “times” sit on my shelves and hold back the encroaching future from coming too fast, from arriving too soon. Here there is time, and there will be time, to read, reflect, re-create. I am hopeful and expectant that for me there awaits further study and exploration.
So I come here, and I go back, all in good time. Dinnertime and bedtime, followed by breakfast, lunch and naptime. Summertime and Fall followed by Winter and Springtime. The ambiance will be here. The second hand will not rush. The books can wait but my little friends are impatient. Soon the articulate and authoritative little voice will be coming from more than three feet off the ground. His bold companion and mentor will lead him off, gun and sword in hand, to explore exotic lands and conquer far-off kingdoms. They may want me to go along. I hope they do.
No, the dirty carpet is not just from me. But I don’t mind it. It’s part of the ambiance. I’ll vacuum it another day. Right now I’ve got just enough “time” to consider a page from my past, a note to myself, which reminds me that this is not the first time I’ve pondered this predicament.
“I have arrived. Here with my books & my papers and my pictures there are things to be put in order. LAST of all I put my thoughts in order. What a relief! Here I appreciate the Life which, in my house, among my loved ones, I can only LIVE.
“ . . .But when I say . . . ‘only’ Live, I share Socrates’ view that the unexamined life is not worth living. And somewhere CSL has observed that one cannot simultaneously ENJOY & CONTEMPLATE. So I leave, I retire, I rest. I think, I read, I pray, I write – And upon my return discover . . .? WHAT? That time is precious, Life is a gift.
“Of Course Living is more important than writing and Life more important than Literature. But without books we are impoverished and our living is shallow when no time is given to thought & contemplation.” (Journal entry Aug. 11, 2003)
The Back side of Nowhere
Don't know where the back side of nowhere is but sometime I might like to go there . . .
Rode my bike the other day, just to say i still remember how
haven't found exactly what I'm looking for but I don't give up easily
home with the boys is nice so I don't miss any of their growin up - still do anyway
Home with my wife is special cuz somebody loves me
Daughters love me too - but they have to cuz I'm their Dad, it's still special
Son number one comes home atimes and that's cool too.
Sad to think he was not so long ago one of the little guys -
I know he was and I could tell you a few things about it -
but mostly it's just happened and over and kind of gone now - the past
There's plenty more where that came from - bein waked up by a two year old - almost three
Making breakfast and everyone gettin up and I ain't quite ready - nobody's fault but mine
We had family worship this morning around the table
There they was and there we all was and then before you know it - poof!
They was gone and we was awashin up the dishes and then startin their schoolin
So here I am and it's a great place to be but they's all asleep so I'd best be gettin off to bed myself. That little guy - less than three feet tall - he's right persistent in the mornings:
"Dad, I'm ready to eat something."
"Dad, I need a drink of water."
"Dad, I'm ready to play, can Ben get up and play with me?"
"Dad, I'm finished sleeping. I don't want to lay back down."
"Dad, I'm ready to get dressed."
And if he happens to sleep in (past 7 a.m.) his brother, the tall one, almost forty inches now, is sure to get up and start his day of play adventures, gathering weapons and building castles or searching for dragons. And when he gets lonely in the first few minutes of playing alone he'll want me or Ben or Haddon to join him. Because adventures are always more fun when you can call some companions in on it.
"But there can be no adventure if we despair of reaching our destination." - Stanley Hauerwas
I know I'll get there. I'm sure I'll make it. I've got my friends and family to journey with me. Sooner or later we'll all arrive safely home.
Rode my bike the other day, just to say i still remember how
haven't found exactly what I'm looking for but I don't give up easily
home with the boys is nice so I don't miss any of their growin up - still do anyway
Home with my wife is special cuz somebody loves me
Daughters love me too - but they have to cuz I'm their Dad, it's still special
Son number one comes home atimes and that's cool too.
Sad to think he was not so long ago one of the little guys -
I know he was and I could tell you a few things about it -
but mostly it's just happened and over and kind of gone now - the past
There's plenty more where that came from - bein waked up by a two year old - almost three
Making breakfast and everyone gettin up and I ain't quite ready - nobody's fault but mine
We had family worship this morning around the table
There they was and there we all was and then before you know it - poof!
They was gone and we was awashin up the dishes and then startin their schoolin
So here I am and it's a great place to be but they's all asleep so I'd best be gettin off to bed myself. That little guy - less than three feet tall - he's right persistent in the mornings:
"Dad, I'm ready to eat something."
"Dad, I need a drink of water."
"Dad, I'm ready to play, can Ben get up and play with me?"
"Dad, I'm finished sleeping. I don't want to lay back down."
"Dad, I'm ready to get dressed."
And if he happens to sleep in (past 7 a.m.) his brother, the tall one, almost forty inches now, is sure to get up and start his day of play adventures, gathering weapons and building castles or searching for dragons. And when he gets lonely in the first few minutes of playing alone he'll want me or Ben or Haddon to join him. Because adventures are always more fun when you can call some companions in on it.
"But there can be no adventure if we despair of reaching our destination." - Stanley Hauerwas
I know I'll get there. I'm sure I'll make it. I've got my friends and family to journey with me. Sooner or later we'll all arrive safely home.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Staying Up
When the hour is late
When I'm still awake
Though my body's tired
There's a mental buzz
Trying hard to figure out
What the puzzle really means
All is scrutinized
Though nothing is as it appears
Finding time alone
Sitting here with myself
Is for me a sort of salvation
A chance to practice transcendence
Sooner or later fatigue
Catches up with me
Mind marches on
Weary eyes fall behind
Yet I see how impoverished
My soul would be
Had I not found this
Solace and reprieve and rich repast
Nourishing some deeper self
Solitude serves to strike
Chords deep within my heart
Making music-like memories
Sleep and dream beckon
And await - almost as attractive
As this soul-satisfying
Staying up
When I'm still awake
Though my body's tired
There's a mental buzz
Trying hard to figure out
What the puzzle really means
All is scrutinized
Though nothing is as it appears
Finding time alone
Sitting here with myself
Is for me a sort of salvation
A chance to practice transcendence
Sooner or later fatigue
Catches up with me
Mind marches on
Weary eyes fall behind
Yet I see how impoverished
My soul would be
Had I not found this
Solace and reprieve and rich repast
Nourishing some deeper self
Solitude serves to strike
Chords deep within my heart
Making music-like memories
Sleep and dream beckon
And await - almost as attractive
As this soul-satisfying
Staying up
Friday, April 6, 2007
Sometimes a good quote just sums it up
I found this in the intro. pages of "The Divine Conspiracy."
It's a quote from Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" - so the perspective is inverted and the insight comes from a demon's analysis and criticism of his Enemy's strategy and methods.
"You must have wondered why the Enemy (God) does not make more use of his power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree he chooses and at any moment.
But you now see that the irresistable and the indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of his scheme forbids him to use.
Merely to over-ride a human will (as his felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for him useless.
He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For his ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve . . . Sooner or later he withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish . . .He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we tempt to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away his hand. . . our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
- Uncle Screwtape
In other words:
Why doesn't God show himself plainly? Why doesn't He "prove" himself beyond all doubt? God is "holding back." His Love demands our freedom, and without a choice to believe we would not be free. The autonomy and self determination we were created with and which reflect God's image are attributes which God refuses to over-rule. His purpose is that we develop our individual will, and yet subordinate it to His authority. The greatest test of this, and the surest way to frustrate the devil, is to bend our will to follow him in the absence of any apparent rewards.
In my experience:
Satan tells us that our efforts are futile and that following God is not worth it.
We often believe his lies and begin to think that there is no good reason to obey.
But then we stubbornly continue to walk in faith and obey anyway.
And God is pleased.
Cross references:
Rich Mullins says "You're up there just playing hard to get."
Jacques Ellul says: Verbal truth does not come to us in the same way as visual reality. A propositional truth-claim always asks us to make a judgement; is it true or false, will I accept or reject this assertion? God reveals Himself in verbal truth out of respect for our freedom to choose.
Philip Yancey says: God is holding back. He does this for our own good.
- Matt Lundquist
It's a quote from Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" - so the perspective is inverted and the insight comes from a demon's analysis and criticism of his Enemy's strategy and methods.
"You must have wondered why the Enemy (God) does not make more use of his power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree he chooses and at any moment.
But you now see that the irresistable and the indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of his scheme forbids him to use.
Merely to over-ride a human will (as his felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for him useless.
He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For his ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve . . . Sooner or later he withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish . . .He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we tempt to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away his hand. . . our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
- Uncle Screwtape
In other words:
Why doesn't God show himself plainly? Why doesn't He "prove" himself beyond all doubt? God is "holding back." His Love demands our freedom, and without a choice to believe we would not be free. The autonomy and self determination we were created with and which reflect God's image are attributes which God refuses to over-rule. His purpose is that we develop our individual will, and yet subordinate it to His authority. The greatest test of this, and the surest way to frustrate the devil, is to bend our will to follow him in the absence of any apparent rewards.
In my experience:
Satan tells us that our efforts are futile and that following God is not worth it.
We often believe his lies and begin to think that there is no good reason to obey.
But then we stubbornly continue to walk in faith and obey anyway.
And God is pleased.
Cross references:
Rich Mullins says "You're up there just playing hard to get."
Jacques Ellul says: Verbal truth does not come to us in the same way as visual reality. A propositional truth-claim always asks us to make a judgement; is it true or false, will I accept or reject this assertion? God reveals Himself in verbal truth out of respect for our freedom to choose.
Philip Yancey says: God is holding back. He does this for our own good.
- Matt Lundquist
Monday, April 2, 2007
Too late to stay up, Too early to get up
It's almost 1 a.m. and I'm not quite ready to sleep. As much as I love sleep, I must admit it is a bit overrated. Rest, repose, restoration, relaxation and recreation even, but sleep? It's sooooo passive. Almost like it's not really something you do, but something that happens to you. Or perhaps it's something you don't do.
Like when people ask, "Are you growing a beard?"
"No, I'm just not shaving."
"Are you sleeping?"
"No, I'm just not awake."
Why are there different modes of awakeness? Is consciousness always aware? What if there's less to be aware of? (Like at 1 a.m. when all is quiet in my house.)
Funny thing - I feel more aware when there's less going on.
I remember meeting this guy who had ridden a horse coast to coast, from Lincoln City to Atlantic City. He said that it tool a few days before his mind stopped running through all kinds of thoughts, tumbling its contents around. He said somewhere out in Wyoming he began to be completely in the now, in the moment. All he was aware of at that time was the rhythm of the horse, the heat rising off the road, an occasional lizard crossing his path.
That spoke to me. I wanted to be like that. Rich Mullins says that living "in time" means that we cannot see what's ahead and cannot get free from what we've left behind. I just want to be, to live as a human being, not a human "doing."
Campolo refers to "Now" as the non-existent point (a point has no duration) which separates the past from the future. Yet now is the only part of time we have direct experience of. The past is a memory, the future is a vision, we have only the "eternal now." Eternal because it offers us a window into timelessness. We share a moment, perhaps an "I-Thou" moment, and it doesn't matter how long or short. There is a connection in the now and in our conscious experience. It didn't "happen" in time and yet no one can take it away from us and nothing is more certain than our apprehension of another being and what we have shared.
In sleep we are not aware of the passage of time. But this is no excape. To be aware yet not "in time" is an acquired skill. We can waste time, spend time, lose time and find time, but can we set it aside, knowing it will be there? To rest, to restore, to relax and re-create involve taking time, perhaps even making time, just for being.
Here I am, ready to sleep, staying awake.
Body at rest, mind still up, searching cerebral space.
Ideas find places, feelings find words.
Pace slowly slackens, pulse remains regular.
Breath falls and rises, eyes calmly close.
Last thing to stop moving through mental landscapes . . .
is a vehicle called thought.
Until tomorrow.
Like when people ask, "Are you growing a beard?"
"No, I'm just not shaving."
"Are you sleeping?"
"No, I'm just not awake."
Why are there different modes of awakeness? Is consciousness always aware? What if there's less to be aware of? (Like at 1 a.m. when all is quiet in my house.)
Funny thing - I feel more aware when there's less going on.
I remember meeting this guy who had ridden a horse coast to coast, from Lincoln City to Atlantic City. He said that it tool a few days before his mind stopped running through all kinds of thoughts, tumbling its contents around. He said somewhere out in Wyoming he began to be completely in the now, in the moment. All he was aware of at that time was the rhythm of the horse, the heat rising off the road, an occasional lizard crossing his path.
That spoke to me. I wanted to be like that. Rich Mullins says that living "in time" means that we cannot see what's ahead and cannot get free from what we've left behind. I just want to be, to live as a human being, not a human "doing."
Campolo refers to "Now" as the non-existent point (a point has no duration) which separates the past from the future. Yet now is the only part of time we have direct experience of. The past is a memory, the future is a vision, we have only the "eternal now." Eternal because it offers us a window into timelessness. We share a moment, perhaps an "I-Thou" moment, and it doesn't matter how long or short. There is a connection in the now and in our conscious experience. It didn't "happen" in time and yet no one can take it away from us and nothing is more certain than our apprehension of another being and what we have shared.
In sleep we are not aware of the passage of time. But this is no excape. To be aware yet not "in time" is an acquired skill. We can waste time, spend time, lose time and find time, but can we set it aside, knowing it will be there? To rest, to restore, to relax and re-create involve taking time, perhaps even making time, just for being.
Here I am, ready to sleep, staying awake.
Body at rest, mind still up, searching cerebral space.
Ideas find places, feelings find words.
Pace slowly slackens, pulse remains regular.
Breath falls and rises, eyes calmly close.
Last thing to stop moving through mental landscapes . . .
is a vehicle called thought.
Until tomorrow.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Support Group for Recovering Fundamentalists
"Hi, my name is ________ and I was damaged by early attempts at religious instruction."
This is not a direct quote, but at points during our discussion on Friday afternoon I might have thought I was at a "Support Group for Students who have Rejected Religion." The comments were in response to this question:
"What is one opinion about God or Religion you had formed by age 12?"
"My first question about God was raised by mention of him in a comic book. After I asked my Mom about him I remember my response: 'So there's this man up in the sky who loves me but if I don't obey him he will send me to a dimension of eternal punishment?'" (At this point he is NOT a Christian - but likes to hang out with us.)
"I remember going to church and hearing stuff about God only on Sunday. It didn't mean anything or make any difference to us when we got home. I just figured it was something we did out of social obligation or tradition." (He IS a believer now but doesn't want anything to do with church. I am discipling him and he has a hunger for the Word.)
"It bothered me that there was supposed to be this loving God out there, but there were a lot of bad things happening. I wondered, 'Why isn't He doing anything?'" (A Religious Studies major visiting our group as part of a research project.)
"My father became a Christian when I was five years old. He came home excited and began reading the Bible to us. We went to church and I remember being told that Jesus was my Saviour, but I was missing the 'Man's Response' part of the Gospel Message. So it wasn't until college that I chose Christ and began to have a personal relationship with Him." (A new Christian who is growing in the Lord and wants to develop her skills interacting with the variety of views expressed at "The CAVE.")
One idea that I thought of as I listened was this: "Religious Instruction fails to connect with 'felt needs' by either giving answers to questions people are not asking, or by suppressing their REAL questions."
I shared my own early struggles with Grace and Obedience: "Why should I bother to obey (which involves suffering) when Heaven is guaranteed anyway?" One way I described the resolution was in terms of experiencing God's Love and coming under His authority (Lordship). These are not at odds, rather, His authority is the Way we experience His love through the protection, provision, and separation from sin that we find as we submit.
Each of these people deserves individual, personal and thoughtful responses to their struggles.
p.s. There was a silent participant "lurking in the shadows" at the Cave: the Barista appeared very interested in last Friday's topic!
This is not a direct quote, but at points during our discussion on Friday afternoon I might have thought I was at a "Support Group for Students who have Rejected Religion." The comments were in response to this question:
"What is one opinion about God or Religion you had formed by age 12?"
"My first question about God was raised by mention of him in a comic book. After I asked my Mom about him I remember my response: 'So there's this man up in the sky who loves me but if I don't obey him he will send me to a dimension of eternal punishment?'" (At this point he is NOT a Christian - but likes to hang out with us.)
"I remember going to church and hearing stuff about God only on Sunday. It didn't mean anything or make any difference to us when we got home. I just figured it was something we did out of social obligation or tradition." (He IS a believer now but doesn't want anything to do with church. I am discipling him and he has a hunger for the Word.)
"It bothered me that there was supposed to be this loving God out there, but there were a lot of bad things happening. I wondered, 'Why isn't He doing anything?'" (A Religious Studies major visiting our group as part of a research project.)
"My father became a Christian when I was five years old. He came home excited and began reading the Bible to us. We went to church and I remember being told that Jesus was my Saviour, but I was missing the 'Man's Response' part of the Gospel Message. So it wasn't until college that I chose Christ and began to have a personal relationship with Him." (A new Christian who is growing in the Lord and wants to develop her skills interacting with the variety of views expressed at "The CAVE.")
One idea that I thought of as I listened was this: "Religious Instruction fails to connect with 'felt needs' by either giving answers to questions people are not asking, or by suppressing their REAL questions."
I shared my own early struggles with Grace and Obedience: "Why should I bother to obey (which involves suffering) when Heaven is guaranteed anyway?" One way I described the resolution was in terms of experiencing God's Love and coming under His authority (Lordship). These are not at odds, rather, His authority is the Way we experience His love through the protection, provision, and separation from sin that we find as we submit.
Each of these people deserves individual, personal and thoughtful responses to their struggles.
p.s. There was a silent participant "lurking in the shadows" at the Cave: the Barista appeared very interested in last Friday's topic!
Panel on Homosexuality & Religion
I arrived a week ago Thurs. at the New Science Bldg. in the evening.
The organizers greeted me and introduced me to the other panelists.
I had been told that I would have six minutes at the start to explain my position.
What I didn't know is that by the "luck-of-the-draw" I would be going first!
"As a Christian and a Baptist I not only hold to certain views but to a way of arriving at my positions. My epistemology (how we know what we know) is best described as "revelational." This means that, unlike the "Empiricist," I don't rely solely on what can be gathered from observations. And, unlike the "Rationalist," it is not human reason and the categories of the mind that inform my views. Accepting the authority of the Bible means that the God who made the world, has spoken. If this is true then we have access to some truth that is very much worth knowing and yet past our finding out apart from the Sacred Text."
With this opening I prepared the packed house of students and faculty members to hear something very politically incorrect and perhaps even culturally insensitive. And I excused myself from the burden of having to explain or defend my comments in terms that a Rationalist or Empiricist could accept.
"What God has revealed in the Bible is that He wants us to love Him and love others and that He cares very much how we treat one another. Our Creator has seen fit to give us some very definite guidelines on the use of His gift of sexuality. As a powerful expression of intimacy and a means of reproduction He has commanded that it only be enacted in the context of heterosexual monogamy."
There was much discussion during the Q & A time and many opportunities to share more about the relationship with God that demands a different standard of behavior. The christians in the audience gave me good positive feedback and the students and faculty involved in sponsoring the event thanked me and complimented me.
My favorite part was a bit of spontaneous preaching I did in response to a student who asked, "Why are we talking about this?" In other words, why is this such a hot topic? My response had the support of the other panelists, none of whom were in favor of sexual promiscuity.
"The Emperor's New Clothes," I explained, "are the view of 'free sex' that declares that you can make a responsible choice to be sexually active as young as thirteen years old, have any number of partners as you go through High School and College, and suffer no negative consequences as long as you use a condom."
There was a lot more to this, as I stated emphatically that in 20 years of campus ministry I have NEVER seen pre-marital sex do anything but damage and detract from the kind of closeness you want with the person you love. I wonder how many students had never heard that before?
The organizers greeted me and introduced me to the other panelists.
I had been told that I would have six minutes at the start to explain my position.
What I didn't know is that by the "luck-of-the-draw" I would be going first!
"As a Christian and a Baptist I not only hold to certain views but to a way of arriving at my positions. My epistemology (how we know what we know) is best described as "revelational." This means that, unlike the "Empiricist," I don't rely solely on what can be gathered from observations. And, unlike the "Rationalist," it is not human reason and the categories of the mind that inform my views. Accepting the authority of the Bible means that the God who made the world, has spoken. If this is true then we have access to some truth that is very much worth knowing and yet past our finding out apart from the Sacred Text."
With this opening I prepared the packed house of students and faculty members to hear something very politically incorrect and perhaps even culturally insensitive. And I excused myself from the burden of having to explain or defend my comments in terms that a Rationalist or Empiricist could accept.
"What God has revealed in the Bible is that He wants us to love Him and love others and that He cares very much how we treat one another. Our Creator has seen fit to give us some very definite guidelines on the use of His gift of sexuality. As a powerful expression of intimacy and a means of reproduction He has commanded that it only be enacted in the context of heterosexual monogamy."
There was much discussion during the Q & A time and many opportunities to share more about the relationship with God that demands a different standard of behavior. The christians in the audience gave me good positive feedback and the students and faculty involved in sponsoring the event thanked me and complimented me.
My favorite part was a bit of spontaneous preaching I did in response to a student who asked, "Why are we talking about this?" In other words, why is this such a hot topic? My response had the support of the other panelists, none of whom were in favor of sexual promiscuity.
"The Emperor's New Clothes," I explained, "are the view of 'free sex' that declares that you can make a responsible choice to be sexually active as young as thirteen years old, have any number of partners as you go through High School and College, and suffer no negative consequences as long as you use a condom."
There was a lot more to this, as I stated emphatically that in 20 years of campus ministry I have NEVER seen pre-marital sex do anything but damage and detract from the kind of closeness you want with the person you love. I wonder how many students had never heard that before?
What happens after death?
I was having pizza late at night with four old friends from High School. We had named a half dozen classmates who had died.
"I have a question," one friend interjected into the five-way chatter.
"Okay, let's hear Bruce's question." I suggested, trying to quiet the others.
"I want to know what Matt thinks about this." Bruce said, directing his question to me.
"So what's the question?" I said, hoping it would be a good one.
"I want to know," he began, "if there's a purpose to all this?"
By now we had the full attention of the other three and they were awaiting my response.
"It would seem that human life is full of purposes, large and small, good and bad, worthy and worthless. We choose our goals and adapt means to ends in trying to reach them. That's what it means to be a rational creature." I continued,
"So why would the Creator of the Universe be any less purposeful about His creation. Of course from our perspective we can't always see or understand His plans and purposes."
I went on to talk about the importance of relationships, and how God wants us to have a relationship with Him.
My time alone with Bob centered on what was coming next for him and also what he would want to happen at his funeral.
"I know that Jesus loves me." he declared confidently.
"What if God asks you why He should let you into heaven?" I asked.
I told him that the only answer would be because of what Christ has done, not our own efforts. He agreed.
The pace of the trip was a bit of a whirlwind, going from one thing to the next. But I saw a lot of people and enjoyed the interaction.
"I have a question," one friend interjected into the five-way chatter.
"Okay, let's hear Bruce's question." I suggested, trying to quiet the others.
"I want to know what Matt thinks about this." Bruce said, directing his question to me.
"So what's the question?" I said, hoping it would be a good one.
"I want to know," he began, "if there's a purpose to all this?"
By now we had the full attention of the other three and they were awaiting my response.
"It would seem that human life is full of purposes, large and small, good and bad, worthy and worthless. We choose our goals and adapt means to ends in trying to reach them. That's what it means to be a rational creature." I continued,
"So why would the Creator of the Universe be any less purposeful about His creation. Of course from our perspective we can't always see or understand His plans and purposes."
I went on to talk about the importance of relationships, and how God wants us to have a relationship with Him.
My time alone with Bob centered on what was coming next for him and also what he would want to happen at his funeral.
"I know that Jesus loves me." he declared confidently.
"What if God asks you why He should let you into heaven?" I asked.
I told him that the only answer would be because of what Christ has done, not our own efforts. He agreed.
The pace of the trip was a bit of a whirlwind, going from one thing to the next. But I saw a lot of people and enjoyed the interaction.
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