The Illusion of Safety

The Illusion of Safety


I’ve heard it said that one of people’s greatest fears is public speaking. I can’t relate to this. Sure, I have fears. But getting up in front of people is not one of them. Perhaps I am more afraid that people will ignore me or think me insignificant.

I remember Sunday evenings at church with my friend Sheldon. First Baptist of Cupertino was just a mile from my house, and we were there every time the doors were opened. Sheldon’s Dad was our Music Minister, so he was pretty much there all the time too. It was a small enough church on Sunday morning, but when we came back that night it was just me and Sheldon in our age group, and the teacher’s daughter.

There was some confusion here that deserves comment. You see it wasn’t really the teacher’s daughter but a little red-haired girl she brought from her neighborhood. This might not seem like a big mistake on my part, but it did cause me a significant degree of “cognitive dissonance.” I didn’t think the red-haired girl was very cute. But I was nice to her anyway because I believed she would grow up to be pretty, like her mother, or like the woman I thought was her mother. But that really doesn’t come much into my story.

They say you can tell how much the congregation likes the pastor by the attendance on Sunday morning. And that you can tell how much they like each other by the attendance on Sunday evening. But if you want to know how God rates with these people, come back for the Wednesday night prayer meeting!

So one Sunday evening we decided to “play church.” Sheldon would lead the singing because that’s what his Dad did. I would be the preacher and the little red-haired girl would be our congregation. The teacher typed up bulletins with our names in it and told what number to turn in your hymnal and where to find the passage in the Bible I would be preaching on.

I don’t know what made me think I could preach. I just never doubted that I could. “Wherever two or three were gathered . . .” I just opened my mouth to speak to them and the words came out all right. When I was four I “went forward” in big church and asked Jesus to forgive my sins. When I was five I went forward again; this time to announce to the congregation that God had called me to preach!

I don’t remember what I preached on but I know I enjoyed it. I usually like to talk when anyone will listen. Somehow when I’m talking and they’re listening I feel like I am in control of what people think of me.

Brennan Manning calls him “The Imposter.” He’s the person that you want other people to think you are. When you’re alone with God you know it isn’t the real you, but as long as you can fool others the imposter helps you feel safe about the secret of your true identity. What is this secret and why do we guard it so carefully?

My secret is that who I am is inadequate. I am not as intelligent or charming or competent as I want to be. And if you knew the truth you would reject me.

John Powell in his book, Why am I Afraid to Tell you who I am? explains.
If I present a certain image of myself by wearing a mask, you may reject me, but I can go away and say, “That wasn’t the real me anyway.” But if I show you who I really am, and you reject my honest self-revelation, what do I have left?

Of course the disadvantage of always wearing a mask is that the approval we feel from people who like us “falls only upon the outer man.” It’s a “Catch-22, “ a no-win situation. Only by risking it all in transparency and truth can I hope to experience genuine affirmation of my real self.

But I have found an alternative: a compromise which serves me fairly well. I have the illusion of safety when I can control how I am perceived by a few people who really matter to me. This may be slightly co-dependent and at times manipulative, but it works well for me.

There is an unwritten agreement with my wife, my family, and my close friends that they will tell me only what I want to hear when I am “being myself” with them. If they reflect back to me some flaws or characteristics I find to be disagreeable about myself I reserve the right to “explain myself” or make excuses. This is called “re-framing.”

Now what I’ve discovered about spending time alone with God is that He is not very tolerant of such “back-talk.” (My family & friends aren’t always so cooperative either, but mostly they have just learned to put up with me.) The really frightening thing about being with God is that you can’t wear your mask and you can’t really impress Him and when He speaks to your soul about yourself and who you really are you better listen!

Furthermore, I’ve discovered that He wants me to listen to my wife and my family and my friends especially when they share an observation that doesn’t really fit my picture of myself. I believe God wants me to give up my attempts to manage how I’m being perceived by others so I can begin to learn more about the actual effect I’m having on those around me.

At times this will be disturbing. I have learned that I can be thoughtless, careless, annoying, inconsistent and unloving. But the potential is also there for good. Not because of anything I’ve done but because the life of Christ is in me. As I discover the positive impact of my life when I am not concerned about managing my image I can be greatly encouraged. My words and behavior when I thought that only God was watching have given help and hope to those around me. This helps me with hope also.